I get embarressed.

I think of the internet as one of those epic drug-filled parties that happen at the climax every cheesy 80's movie. The one Senior Graduation party where everyone is invited. All the cliques lay down their defenses for one night and have the time of their lives.

That said I don't want to be the wet blanket of the internet, so please don't take me too seriously. But I've been kinda depressed lately. and if my situation stays this way too much longer, I will be uber-depressed.

I've been diligently looking for a restaurant server or bartending job for over a month and have come up short. I don't mind most types of rejection but if someone is looking for a restaurant job it usually is some sort of back-up plan for them. And when your back-up plan doesn't go through it can be quite depressing.

An interesting thing happens to me when I get depressed, I start reliving scenes in my head of my 9th-11th grade life. And not that awesome parts. One recent one...

9th Grade, 1996:
I had acne (at the time I thought it was horrible acne, but looking back it was only moderately bad). None the less I was mortified by it. Not only that I wore braces (the clear ones that turned gross yellow). I had really bad fashion sense and a shaved head due to football initiation. I was so embarrassed by my acne that I got an idea from a "Home Improvement" episode where JTT got a big ole zit and he used a little cover up. So I grabbed a bottle of my mom's foundation and carefully blended a thin layer to the affected areas (nearly a full face of foundation). My confidence rose, and each day I would get a little bolder with the foundation until my acne wasn't too bad at all. But then my acne started getting worse and I had to use even more makeup.

Until one day in homeroom a girl I liked was talking to me (which she never did), stopped, took a closer look at me and asked, "Do you use some type of cover up"?

I acted sort of dumbfounded, "Huh? what?"

"you know, like make-up. foundation."

Acting like I had no idea what she was talking about, "No!" she left it alone, and I felt really awkward.

That was 15 years ago. At the time I was so embarrassed that she found out my secret. It embarrassed me for the rest of the year. Since then I haven't thought about it more than a minute. It pops in mind today, and I get so embarrassed again. But its brand new embarressment, sitting here in my cube I am as embarrassed as I was at that moment. I am not embarressed like the first time, being caught wearing makeup. But embarressed of how I reacted to being caught.

I wish my 29 year old self could go inside my body at that moment and respond with a dead stare: "Yeah, I'm wearing make right now. Being 14 is a bitch."